I recently came to the realization that I am a "Switch," and it's elevated my sex life significantly.

      If you've ever found yourself daydreaming about being in control or being controlled during intimacy, or if you often seek out steamy literature featuring such dynamics, you are certainly not alone. Although discussing these desires can sometimes feel embarrassing, power play is widely embraced and forms a significant part of the kink community. Mainstream depictions often link dominance with control and submission with passivity, but the reality of power play—and the fluidity between roles—is much more intricate.

      Whether you have a wealth of experience in power play or are just beginning to explore the realm of kink, we’ll clarify what it means to engage in this type of sexual relationship and why some individuals are drawn to the roles of dominant, submissive, or switch. Below, you’ll find an overview of power play, explanations of the various roles, and guidance on how to start exploring this dynamic with your partner.

      What is power play?

      Power play refers to a form of sexual kink where one partner adopts a dominating role—the dominant—while the other partner relinquishes control—the submissive. This is most often recognized as a type of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism), which, not long ago, would have terrified me. My initial encounter with BDSM was through Fifty Shades of Grey... and I disliked it. It wasn't until my adult years that I realized Christian Grey wasn't an ideal representation of kink and that power play can exist independently of the other BDSM elements. The roles can manifest physically through restraint or spanking, verbally through commands or praise, or psychologically through the dynamics themselves. They can also include a mix of any of the above—it's entirely up to you.

      Sex therapist Marissa Nelson, LMFT, shares in an interview with Glamour that “some couples truly enjoy letting go and allowing themselves to take on a submissive or dominant role during intimacy, which can be highly arousing and erotic for them.” It appears this kink is extremely common, with BDSM, dominance and submission, and role play ranking as the top three kinks according to experts. This serves as further evidence that we shouldn't feel ashamed of our interests but rather be empowered to explore what excites us. Ultimately, understanding what works for us— and what doesn’t—is essential for better sex.

      What are the roles in power play?

      The Submissive

      The submissive, often shortened to “sub,” is the partner who adopts a more yielding role within a consensual power exchange. However, it’s important to note that being a submissive doesn't equate to being passive. Many educators emphasize that the submissive actually has control over the power play dynamic. For many, submission is about the excitement of complete surrender—whether it involves obeying a dominant partner’s commands or allowing some degree of roughness is entirely up to you.

      Certified sexologist Denise Renye explains, “submissives have the agency to establish limits, express preferences, and communicate their desires to their dominant partners... they have the power to stop or adjust activities at any moment using safe words or non-verbal cues,” prioritizing their physical and emotional well-being. Ultimately, submission during intimacy isn’t merely about relinquishing power; it’s about choosing how and when to give it up, all within a foundation of trust, consent, and clearly set boundaries.

      “Submission during intimacy isn’t just about relinquishing power; it’s about choosing how and when to give it.”

      The Dominant

      The dominant, or "Dom," takes on the leading role in a consensual power exchange, directing the experience and establishing the broader dynamic. They are responsible for guiding their partner through the power play and ensuring mutual satisfaction within the previously agreed-upon limits. While dominance is sometimes depicted as aggressive—think Christian—it can manifest in various forms. Some dominants may prefer commanding and rough play, while others may adopt a more caring and protective approach.

      A common misunderstanding about dominance is that it equates to selfishness. I used to believe this as well. I found it hard to imagine relinquishing control to someone who appeared so volatile; however, the best dominants actually prioritize their partner's pleasure as much as, if not more than, their own. Renye explains that “being a dom involves a significant amount of responsibility, respect, and communication to create a safe and satisfying experience for everyone involved.”

      The Switch

      You might identify as a switch if you find both dominance and submission appealing, depending on factors like your partner or mood. Even if you have a stronger inclination toward one role than the other, switching allows for a variety of experiences in the bedroom and is quite common. In fact, psychologist Dr. Lisa Diamond’s research on sexual fluidity indicates that many people’s preferences change over time, so if you notice shifts in your desires, that’s completely normal. As long as you maintain an open dialogue with your partner, anything is possible. I’ve also felt my urges change depending on my mood, life circumstances,