I Stopped Being a "Spectator" and My Sex Life Improved Right Away

      I’ll admit that during sex, I’ve found myself preoccupied with thoughts about my appearance or what to prepare for dinner. Although I understand that being fully present enhances the sexual experience, I’ve occasionally allowed my mind to wander. In the past, it wasn’t a major issue—I could easily redirect myself from making a grocery list back to the moment. However, this past year, I faced persistent vaginal dryness and painful intercourse, which consumed my thoughts. I became so distracted that I ceased being active and engaged with my partner. Experts refer to this state as “spectatoring,” and they’re correct in stating that it can harm your sexual life.

      In an effort to reclaim the vibrant sex life I once enjoyed, I consulted experts about spectatoring. What does it entail and why is it problematic? Is it truly a concern to get distracted in the bedroom from time to time? And how can it be avoided? Below are their responses to these queries, along with my journey of overcoming spectatoring to rejuvenate my sex life.

      What does "spectatoring" during sex mean?

      The term “spectatoring,” introduced by sex researchers Masters and Johnson, refers to the practice of self-monitoring during sexual encounters. This involves stepping outside of the experience and observing, critiquing, and analyzing yourself and your performance, much like you would during a sports event or play. As a result, you become an observer rather than an active participant in the bedroom.

      According to Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist Sarah Kelleher, LCSW, this occurs when negative self-talk takes over, leading you to mentally assess your performance, attractiveness, or appearance. Instead of being lost in the moment, you might find yourself questioning if you look good, if you're taking too long to reach orgasm, or whether your partner is enjoying it.

      How “spectatoring” impacts your sex life

      Experts agree that spectatoring does more than merely pull you away from the present moment; it creates a chain reaction that detrimentally affects your sex life. First and foremost, it disrupts your ability to become aroused and reach orgasm. Psychotherapist and Sex Educator Rachel Wright from Zumio explained that anxiety regarding your appearance or performance can trigger your body's stress response, thereby hindering the relaxation and blood flow essential for sexual enjoyment. Additionally, Dr. Laurie Mintz, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, noted that spectatoring makes it nearly impossible to orgasm due to the lack of complete immersion in your body.

      Moreover, Sexologist and Relationship Expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz stated that spectatoring creates a disconnect between you and your partner. “Your partner may sense their lack of involvement and question what they’re doing wrong,” she explained. This separation undermines the connection you should have with your partner, making sex feel more like a chore. Even worse, it can establish a pattern in which you start avoiding sex altogether, as it becomes more stressful than pleasurable, as described by Wright.

      Why I was spectatoring in the first place

      Over the past year, I endured relentless vaginal dryness due to chronic stress and medication. This made sex exceedingly painful, leaving me sore and bleeding for days. Consequently, I became overly concerned with preventing pain during intercourse, worrying if I was gentle enough or using enough lubricant to avoid irritation. I was hyper-focused on every uncomfortable sensation. Furthermore, my difficulties with natural lubrication amplified my insecurities about my body and led me to question my femininity. When combined, these factors made it nearly impossible to be present during sex, let alone enjoy it.

      Kelleher pointed out that when trauma, shame, or anxiety is connected to sex, “the mind unconsciously retreats to a place of observation as a protection mechanism.” For me, sex had become a source of shame and anxiety, causing me to resort to spectatoring as a defense. Additionally, I felt guilty for not being able to satisfy my partner. While I recognized that pleasure involves both partners, societal notions perpetuated by “glossy movie sex scenes” and social media, as noted by Sex Coach for female sexual wellness brand Smile Makers, Màrian Martìnez, reinforced the idea that sex is something to be performed rather than enjoyed. It was evident that my mind was elsewhere, and he noticed, which only added to my guilt. As a result, we both began to fear intimacy—he was concerned about hurting me, and I was reluctant to experience pain.

      How I finally stopped spectatoring and started having orgasms again

      My sex life had nearly vanished, and I needed to address it quickly. To be mindful and present in the bedroom, I first had to practice mindfulness in other areas of my life. I began by minimizing distractions while doing everyday tasks, like brushing my teeth, and concentrating on my breath whenever my mind strayed. Dr. Mintz suggested that mindful embodiment can counter spectatoring by aligning the mind’s intelligence with the body’s. I also talked openly with my partner about my